I should be celebrating the fact that I’ve recently been promoted—but I feel completely alienated. I was promoted to the director of a group I was a part of. I have heard the expression that it is lonely at the top—but I feel as if I’ve lost my entire social support network. Any hope for restoration? —Letisha, NY, NY
Here’s a story you’ll appreciate: Sally was a 40-something, African American female staffer at a west coast-based Pharmaceutical company when much to the shock and surprise of everyone on her team of 12 people, she was promoted to run the group. Although she was delighted to have been selected, her immediate reaction was nausea. This team was a tight team with strong workplace and social ties.
When she called me to express her concerns my immediate reaction was to suggest that she remember and rely on the long-term relationships with these people and the “ties-that-bind” to get her and them through this change. I couldn’t have been any more wrong. When the group attended an already-planned night on the town the “chilliness” in the air was apparent to her but no one was willing to address it. After much awkwardness and several half-hearted congratulations, she called it a night early and went home feeling quite dejected. When we spoke the next day she reduced to tears at both the fact that these “friends” could not celebrate her success and, what she felt, was the long road ahead of now having to manage this group.
My advice to her—and to the select few of them that I knew professionally—was simple. I had her set up a series of brief one-to-ones, some in her office, some over coffee and some over lunch to address people’s feelings directly in a non-offensive, non-confrontational manner. Overall, the result was positive. Some percentage shared that with her as Boss they already knew that her social time with them would have to be limited and they felt that loss. Another group felt that they were so close that it would be difficult to rise above the “friend-factor” and be “bossed around by her” they said partially in jest. The final group, and luckily the minority, expressed that they felt that the job should have been theirs.
Although our next meeting was also a tearful one, I encouraged her to at least appreciate the fact that she knew where everyone stood and to manage from there. She did, over time, take solace in that advice and things eventually leveled off. Not without some challenges, mind you, but they did improve.
If you are in her shoes my advice is simple:
- Take the one-to-one approach like Sally did and get people’s feeling out in the open.
- Acknowledge people’s feelings – good or bad – without trying to “make nice” or otherwise “sell them” on you.
- Encourage people to be supportive of you, your transition into the job and remind them what a great team they are and how that has to continue.
- Although maintaining the close relationships are important, the reality is that it must all change – you are the Boss. Leverage the relationship as a means to keep people “on your team” and remain productive and successful.
- Friends or not, new boundaries are required now since you are now privy to sensitive info that is sometimes intended for your eyes only, not to share .
- Avoid “water cooler talk” and gossip. Now that you are the Boss, what you say now has more clout.
- Keep an eye out for “dissenters” who may, overtly or covertly undermine your success. If spotted, nip it in the bud early and fast. Don’t be afraid to reassign someone or if needed, show him or her the door.
Situations like this can only have one of a few possible endings. Why not make yours a happy one no matter what side of the equation you are on.
